For our first-ever tandem re-view, my sister Kate Gorman and her boyfriend Joe Horton sat down and watched EuroTrip for the zillionth time. They kept a log of their observations, hopes, fears, and dreams.
Kate: It’s showtime!
Joe: First of all… That green guy is SO MUCH. On the DVD menu, why in the world would you have a green fairy yelling at you all the time?
Kate: He is so sassy. I love that these opening credits have nothing to do with the movie. But they are so good.
Joe: Devil stewardesses! Remember when everyone vomited everywhere on the plane in the credits? And the map in the credits! All the countries they go!
Kate: My favorite thing that we realized watching this movie (maybe the 18th time) is that everyone in these American scenes are Eastern European extras. Like, Slovakian extras.
Joe: I mean they are in an EASTERN EUROPEAN HIGH SCHOOL.
Kate: They are all so tall and blond.
Joe: EVERYONE IS FROM CHERNOBYL.
Kate: Except for Jeffrey Tambor.
Joe: And there’s Uncle Moke! He definitely does not know he’s in a movie.
Kate: I hope Uncle Moke is still alive out there somewhere getting in people’s photos.
Joe: That guy cost $1 more to hire for the entire movie, and now he can open his own hotel!
Kate: Haha sweet flash forward there.
Joe: Man, look at Scotty’s computer. Email those days looks like sending telegraphs.
Kate: Hey, remember high school? When I saw this 10 years, I was in college, and it was finals week, and it was necessary.
Frommers 2004: Kate in finals at USC
Joe: I mean, here’s Michelle Trachtenberg. This whole thing about her being mistaken for a guy is so bogus. Oh, the party. Those Russian guys pounding beers in the background, wearing letterman jackets. They have NO idea what they are wearing.
Kate: Motherfucking Matt Damon!!!
Joe: Frommers 2004: Matt Damon is in EuroTrip. What in the WORLD.
Kate: …who somehow looks his hottest as a punk rocker.
Joe: He received a lot of Oscar buzz for this role. Also he is the worst fake-singer.
Joe: “I bet we’ll be just as popular in college as we were in high school.” I love movies made by people who were not popular. They are so PISSED at popular people.
SCOTTY DOESN’T KNOW
Kate: He just doesn’t know.
Joe: Do NOT tell Scotty.
Kate: All the Czech people in this party scene look so crazy. Some of them are definitely vagrants.
Joe: I bet it was 20 degrees and freezing rain when they shot this summer scene in Eastern Europe.
Kate: MAIL MOTHAFUCKA. “Perhaps we can zussamen.”
Joe: “I was sad to hear about your lady woman dumping you…”
Kate: Another amazing discovery we made was when we realized that the mail Scotty sends Mieke isn’t what he typed at all.
Joe: Oh yeah the letter! It’s totally different.
Joe: “Listen Mike,” the letter says, and “goodbye fucface”
Joe: Also, they’ve got a guy on a bike delivering a newspaper. That’s what they think America is?
Kate: Also, what was “Gate Crasher?” Scotty has that poster up in his room. Was that a thing 10 years ago?
Joe: Look at his email—these huge error signs came up? Like a nuclear reactor?
Kate: (beep beep beep)
Joe: Remember when email was like Carmen Sandiego?
Joe: How can Scotty have this bond with her immediately? Kate has it right. She has always claimed that this romance doesn’t make any sense. In two seconds he was like, “Boy/girl whatever. She can email me, so it’s love.”
Kate: Why is Scotty applying to med school? He just graduated from high school earlier today.
Joe: Aaaand Cooper, “He ended up using a public bathroom in New Delhi and they had to cut off his leg.”
Kate: Such a well-delivered line.
Joe: Remember when we went to this spot on the Thames and saw that the background doesn’t match? A great/terrible moment. People were like, you’re in the best city in the world, and we’re like, hang on, let’s get this EuroTrip detail right.
Kate: Totally. We needed to know. It doesn’t make sense but they tried really hard for a minute for it to look like London. But then they gave up and went to the Feisty Goat pub to film the rest of London.
Joe: They spent their entire budget on green screen backgrounds. And then they get to the pub and the producers are like, “Hey who looks like a hooligan? Ok, everyone? You’re hired. “
Kate: Hahahahaha. Starring Vinnie Jones.
Joe: EVERY EXTRA IN THIS MOVIE DOESN’T SPEAK A WORD OF ENGLISH AND THEY HAVE TO LOOK TO THE SIDE OF THE SCREEN LIKE A DOG TO THEIR TRAINER. This pub is one of the best examples. They literally don’t know what’s being said in the scene.
Kate: Uh-oh, it’s time for the German incest fantasy.
Kate: Fun fact: Scotty’s mom is reading a Jackie Collins book in this scene, which Scotty reads later on the train. Which means they only had ONE prop book on set. Which I love.
Kate: Cooper’s hair is SO late 90’s, early 00’s style.
Joe: The movie’s like, England, you are many things, but you are mostly hooligans.
Kate: So…I have been to that “Parisian” square in Prague. And in that museum that is standing in for the Louvre. It’s a natural history museum…in Prague.
Joe: And the background is so amazing here. Like a screensaver.
Joe: “Who, Robot Man? He’s just trying to feed his robot family.”
Kate: Do they think they cast this actor (Scott Mechlowicz, who plays Scotty) because he could do a pretty solid robot?
Kate: Like, that was the whole audition.
Joe: They’re like, “Can you be the seul robot dans ce coin?”
Kate: “Do the robot.”
Joe: “Tu n’es pas un robot, VRAIMENT.”
Kate: The girl with the balloon is BRILLIANT filmmaking.
Joe: So this scene at the dinner table in Paris ALWAYS reminds me, Kate, of our dinner with Tim when we were studying abroad. Deciding what trip we should take, settling on each person getting two countries each, settling on a trip from London to Morocco, almost totally overland.
Kate: Yes, at a Chinese restaurant in Mile End. We went to 6 countries in 2 weeks.
Joe: There was a huge blue fishtank. Also, like Jamie, I used to wear a money belt. My dad said it was a good idea. I did it for a week at study abroad.
Kate: Every dad says it’s a good idea.
Joe: …and then I stopped. I really had to get my act together studying abroad. I totally became a new person in the best way.
Kate: Thank goodness.
Joe: Hey remember when European royal sex predators prowled train stations? By the Coke machines, picking up American sluts?
Joe: This newspaper headline kills me. “Merde alors! L’Hooligan!”
Kate: Here is Scotty reading the Jackie Collins book on the train.
Joe: The sets for the train in Europe and backyard in America are like two feet apart. They just brought the book over.
Kate: Bon giorno, Fred Armisen!
Joe: “Ah, si!” This should be a new Portlandia character: “When you get Eurosexed in Portland.”
Kate: Totally. Also why is his newspaper pink? Such a good costuming/props choice.
Joe: I mean Italy has a PINK newspaper. “M’scusi.”
Kate: Mi scusi, mi scusi, Fred.
Kate: How did they find this beautiful railroad station in the Czech Republic?
Joe: “Ladies? Bitches?”
Kate: OH GOD SO MANY PENISES.
Joe: This extras ad for this was like: “Hey, you want show penis in American movie? Come to Prague.”
Joe: “Ce monument me touche.”
Kate: I love that “oui” translates to “Let’s make out” in this movie.
Kate: Aaaahhhh no, there are the horny man zombies!!!
Kate: Ugh, so many penises.
Joe: Another ad for extras: “Do you want to run with dangle out on beach in American film?”
Kate: Scotty printed out all his emails with Mieke. Good thing he had time to do that.
Joe: Remember when we printed emails?
Kate: Remember when we didn’t look at everything on our iPhones?
Joe: Remember when we were like, let me take this email with me via a folder I carry under my arm?
Kate: Hahahahahaa it’s so true.
Joe: Also remember when guys were allowed to burst out of ladies’ closets? Maybe that’s only in Germany.
Kate: Countdown to David Hasselhoff…
Joe: DISJDEOESPFKEDSOKFDOIEe….Ah….”Mi bella”
Kate: FRED! Love him. He just licked the makeup off Scotty’s face.
Joe: ME FUCKING SCUSI!
Joe: Also they definitely did not hire Fred Armisen for this movie. He just showed up and they were like, No sudden moves.
Joe: And a BARGE TRAWLER in the river is the first shot. “This is the drunken sex capital of Europe.”
Kate: They didn’t’ even try to make anything look like Amsterdam. The filmmakers were like, “Eh, Amsterdam isn’t iconic enough. Let’s just find a canal and call it a day.”
Joe: They were like, “Let’s just get a road…with doors…and put ladies in them.”
Kate: Equals Amsterdam.
Joe: CLUB VANDERSEXX. There’s a free teeshirt with flyer.
Kate: This was Lucy Lawless’ best role ever, but now it’s her on Parks and Rec. Who knew she was so awesome?
Joe: “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”
Joe: “This is great / you’re so innocent.”
Joe: “Hans! Gruber!”
Joe: Kate just said, “Oh my god. Amsterdam is so scary. You’re stoned all the time and you don’t know where you are.”
Kate: It’s true.
Kate: “You might randomly get butt-raped against your will.” – Amsterdam
Joe: So Kate bought me this Vandersexx shirt. I own it. It exists in the real world. It is my most prized possession.
Kate: Jamie just had the longest blowjob in the world. It took, like 10 hours.
Joe: Yeah. I mean, he was NOT letting her off easy. Jamie is getting HIS tonight.
Joe: Oh, Humphrey again. Humphrey’s getting is SO MUCH TROUBLE.
Kate: I want to see a movie about Humphrey’s experience that summer.
Joe: Humphrey is a role Macaulay Culkin would play in his late teens.
Kate: YES. Looking all wiry and hollow-eyed.
Joe: Humphrey Goes Down.
Kate: OMG. Like Igby Goes Down, which is a great movie.
BRATISLAVA (or ???)
Joe: YES. HERE COMES THE BEST PERSON IN THE MOVIE.
Kate: “You are Americans?”
Joe: “I love America.” “Miami Wice is Number One Hit New Show.” “STOP: HAMMERTIME.” “It’s good you are here in summer. In winter, it can get very depressing.” This guy is the greatest living vagrant actor.
Kate: Good thing Jenny has been carrying around a disco tank and leather pants in her backpack this whole time to wear at this warehouse dance club.
Joe: Christoph is back. Don’t worry, he’s still here to rape you as a prince.
Joe: Absinthe: drink it as your sister becomes a sex-slave on a yacht.
Kate: Is this song lyric’s “PUT IT IN THE HOLE, PUT IT IN THE HOLE”?
Kate: Second incident of incest in this movie. I mean, how is that a thing? They just brush over it.
Joe: This director is like, “PUT IT IN THE HOLE.”
Kate: But it’s really a serious thing…psychologically…for the twins to be attracted to each other. This could turn into August: Osage County.
Joe: Well they kissed each other and that was a thing. Oh, hey, remember when they ran out of money and filmed the next scene outside an abandoned tile factory?
Kate: It looks like the set from “Legends of the Hidden Temple”
Joe: “Where is the Beef?” He’s baaaaack.
Joe: Hey get ready for some Hitler humor.
Kate: Good times with the Hitler toddler.
Joe: The movie is like, London is drunk soccer buffoons. Germany is Nazis. Oh man here comes the family maid.
Kate: I hope she and Uncle Moke are an item in real life.
Kate: Too bad Mieke will be “quite unreachable.” Hey also, remember denim skirts with belts? That was a thing 10 years ago.
Joe: “I’m going to…
Kate: They are again at the natural history museum in Prague. This is the interior. Decidedly not the Vatican. And it is amazing. I love this crane shot here of all three floors.
Joe: Yeah they were like, “By not hiring anyone and using mostly vagrants and dog-people we have so much money right NOW.”
Kate: Look at all those concerned friars at the Pope’s death.
Joe: They just found all the bald guys they could find and were like, “You’re Italian.”
Joe: This movie says if you get separated from your tour at the Vatican and swirl around in drapes, you are THE NEW POPE.
Joe: Thank GOD for HOOLIGANS. And always accept romantic advice from a guy you met at the Feisty Goat pub.
Kate: How come Mieke hasn’t seen Scotty’s picture?
Joe: Yeah true.
Kate: She was so into her anonymous pen pal that she didn’t care what he looked like?
Kate: She could have been CATFISHED for all we know. It could be that Scotty is actually a 90-year-old married rapist in prison.
Joe: This is literally actually the Catfish origin story.
Joe: It’s actually Jeffrey Tambor reading Jackie Collins…nude…with his kids away in Europe.
Kate: It seems likely. Now Cooper and Jenny are just all like, “Let’s have sex,” but then they don’t do anything.
Joe: And these other two! Mieke’s all like, “Scott, I have to GO ON MY SUMMER TRIP OF THE WORLD. So I just MET YOU…”
Kate: “…and I’m probably pregnant…byeee.”
Joe: “And what do you feel about naming our baby DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU”
Kate: “DOOOOOOOOOOOOO….vlee flech scnhata doo be doo”
Joe: “DO ALISMSHAMFT BEEEFSHESHTEIN”
Kate: Hey it’s Arthur Frommer! I wonder what he is actually like.
Joe: Arthur Frommer just whipped out a picture of himself from his undershirt. GAY
Joe: Oh god damn it Humphrey. That poor guy. They screwed him over. That dude probably just shot himself in a barn his father made by hand.
Kate: Poor Humphrey/ Macaulay Culkin.
Joe: These kids were shitting it up in Europe and Macaulay Culkin just died in a barn.
Joe: Cooper’s like, “Vandersexx” and Humphrey’s like, “I JUST DIED.”
Kate: Goddamnit Humphrey. Should’ve let loose a little.
USA – OBERLIN COLLEGE
Joe: Hey Mieke, can you SNEAK INTO A MAN’S DORM IN AMERICA? Where is HOMELAND SECURITY?
Kate: At some other college campus, Cooper’s about to beat up a robot performer with a bat. Another serious issue to consider in the grand scheme of things.
Joe: Yeah. I mean, he’s not going to make dean’s list. He’s like the dude who ends up fighting an RA in the hall over a dog.
Kate: Oh good Mieke and Scotty, now you can live together after having met for 15 minutes and having sex at the Vatican. I’m sure that’s gonna work out for you.
Joe: “HELLO AND WELCOME TO AMSTERDAM’S FINEST YOUTH HOSTEL. THERE IS NO BATHROOM, NOR IS THERE ONE NEARBY…IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO HAVE YOUR VALUABLES SCHTOLEN, I SUGGEST HIDING YOUR VALUABLES IN YOUR ANUS.
Kate: Joanna Lumley’s best role to this date.
Kate: Good times. We did it.
Joe: We did it!
Kate: Still good 10 years later. It’s always good.
Joe: The message so much better. I get way more out of it now. It’s aged in a way that makes me able to see more of it. We’ve uncovered all these little bits and pieces over time.
Kate: It allows us, I think, to connect to the way we felt at the time.
Joe: Oh yeah.
Kate: The way we dressed, the way we travelled. Which is rare. It’s kind of like the knowledge you gain from reading an old journal, but in a more entertaining and less melancholic way.
Joe: I mean I remember every part of this movie. I remember laughing, at some point, at everything. We’d watch it in your college house, the Red Door House. We’d watch it like three times a week and everyone else in the house was like, uhhhhh.
Kate: We also watched this in NICARAGUA.
Joe: Oh yeah we did. At that hostel. Our valuables were not hidden in our anuses. And to show this movie has karmic power, the lock was broken on the beer fridge that night. I carried that DVD in my bag for three weeks so we could watch it.
Kate: I also met the actor who played Jamie at a Muse concert in LA and was so nervous and excited to tell him how much I loved the movie.
Joe: And one of our mutual friends gave him a blowjob once.
Kate: It’s true.
Joe: And I mean this movie is such a particular taste that if you get it, you’re going to love it forever. It will only get better. But maybe you’ll never get in late on it. You either started with it or you didn’t, you either believe that this is the highest and most hilarious aspiration of going abroad or you don’t.
Kate: Definitely. And in this time period. 10 years ago.
Joe: Yeah—the first time, really, absolutely anyone could go abroad and could stay friends abroad; you could go as a group, you could experience what seemed like everything and start right away. Study abroad, at that right moment in your life, makes everything seem possible and limitless.
Kate: Well, whoever is out there: We love this movie and always have. I hope the creators know that it means a lot to us.
Joe: It does.
Kate: I hope there are other people out there who like it as much.
Joe: They’re out there, and they are sweet-ass people. That, at least, is clear.