This week we welcome a new reviewer to the 10YA fold with Raffi Nakashian’s take on Broken Lizard’s Super Troopers. You can thank him for rewatching this by sending him a goddamn liter of cola.

Ten years ago, my young, tender mind was subjected to the vulgar shenanigans of a team of Vermont highway patrol officers. It’s now ten years later, and time to revisit a modern comedy classic for the purposes of entertainment and education.

I have to say, re-viewing Super Troopers is a lot like chugging a bottle of maple syrup. For one thing, it usually begins as a dare between a group of friends, a “Hey, wouldn’t it be hilarious if…” It initially feels great, the familiar taste hits your palette and you wonder why you haven’t had it in so long. It’s all sugary hilarity as the movie takes off at its blazing comedic pace.

Unfortunately, it’s not long before the novelty wears off and you realize that you’re in it for the long haul. The comedy comes fewer and farther in between until you’ve almost reached the end and you’re wishing for the whole thing to be over because it stopped being fun a long time ago. There was nothing of any real substance here to begin with; just as a child craves pure sugar by seeking and consuming the unhealthiest sugary crap, Super Troopers satisfies the cravings of the most juvenile parts the mind. There’s masturbation, boobs, pale naked ass (and some wiener, for those with a sharp eye), insults, buffoonery, drinking, toking, bear-fucking, and moustache humor. I feel no nourishment following the experience, but I also know that a buddy is going to dare me to do it again next year and I’m probably going to say yes.

That’s because what Super Troopers does well, it does better than almost any other comedy. Most lighthearted romps are generally released and forgotten about as soon as they leave the theater, but Super Troopers’ cast of personalities are so memorable and play off each other so well that it has been elevated to that tier of comedies that obnoxious college kids quote incessantly. I know, because my friends and I were those obnoxious college kids. I’m pretty sure one of them still asks for cola by the liter. There are just so many memorable gags and quotable lines in this film that it finds a way of latching itself to your subconscious and lies just beneath the surface, waiting for the right trigger so you can spout off your favorite one-liner long after you’ve forgotten where it even originated. Farva’s passionate delivery of “I got you good, you fucker!” was a staple among my own group of friends for a long time. Okay, maybe it was just the one guy, but boy did he say it a lot.

Despite its strength as a comedy, I have to admit that Super Troopers is not a very good film. As a matter of fact, the whole thing should begin to bore you as soon as they introduce the main plot. It’s shot very plainly, no one experiences an arc or learns anything meaningful, and there isn’t even a main character.

That’s right – there is no main character in Super Troopers. It’s starting to sound more and more like one long sketch, isn’t it? Even ensemble casts generally have a main character, but for the life of me, I can’t tell if it’s supposed to be Foster because he’s trying to get the girl, or Ramathorn because he and his mustache are on screen more than anyone else.

So maybe it’s not a very good movie as far as movies go. I had even forgotten about the reveal at the end about the drug-smugglers – who really cares? We just saw them smoking the stuff and laughing merrily twenty minutes ago, I’m not exactly on the edge of my seat while they’re running around trying to arrest the guys that were kind enough to import it for their enjoyment. If they expect me to care because they need to save their department from being shut down… well, I’m not sure I want a group of lazy, immature, irresponsible hypocrites enforcing the law.

That’s why the plot falls flat for me. Then why do I enjoy watching this movie? Super Troopers shines when the Broken Lizard guys are free to play off of each other in those isolated situations like pulling over motorists or when they’re generally engaging in unprofessional behavior. If the concept had been thought up today rather than ten years ago, Super Troopers might have come into existence as a series of webisodes rather than a feature-length movie. Episode 1: The Stoners. Episode 2: The Meow Game. Episode 3: A Liter of Cola. All the hilarity in a nice, concise package and none of the boring plot to sift through. Luckily, most of the movie consists of this type of comedy and it’s only near the last half hour or so when the movie remembers that it needs to tell some kind of story and that I feel like turning it off and watching a good movie instead.

Despite its shortcomings, Super Troopers is still pretty damn funny ten years later. The comedy itself shows no signs of aging. It could have been released last year and it would still be funnier than any other movie in its genre that year by far. Would you rather see Adam Sandler in drag? Jesus. This is what I have to say to those of you that paid money to see that one:

Free-Floating Thoughts:

Snozzberries guy is married to Mad Men’s Christina Hendricks. I’m going to say that again: Snozzberries guy is married to Christina Hendricks.

The mustache is a good look for Chandrasekhar. I kind of wish he would adopt it in real life and not just for the purposes of comedy.

Womack just drank 4 shots in a row before driving off with those stoners in the backseat… shenanigans aside, drinking and driving is not funny.

I think one close-up shot of a dude’s mustachioed lips is plenty, thank you.

Fun fact about Rabbit: He’s featured in a P90X workout video. And he’s got a prosthetic leg. Does that mean it’s harder for him because he has to balance on one leg, or easier because he only has half as many muscles to work out?

Brian Cox is a poor man’s Rip Torn.

One of the cool things about revisiting movies ten years later is that you spot people who’ve become famous in between viewings. That’s Jim Gaffigan as the motorist the troopers prank.

Maybe we’ll hear the full story of how Mac got crabs in Super Troopers 2.

I just realized that you can see Johnny Chimpo’s penis in that cartoon. Super Troopers Penis Count: 2

That techno song the sex-crazy Europeans were blasting in their Porsche became a favorite driving song of mine back in college.

Farva pours .9 gallons of gasoline into a trashcan to get a free hot dog. Today, that hot dog would have cost him $3.60.

Why would a police station have the need for a voice modulator? Aside from tricking creeps into thinking they’re going to anally rape them, of course.

Farva: I want a goddamn liter of cola.

Restaurant Cashier: I don’t know what that is.

Thanks a lot, American public education system. If we were using the metric system, that kid might have avoided being tackled that day. Just a quick first lesson on conversion rates:

1 liter of cola = give me some fucking cola

I guess Lynda Carter had nothing better to do that day than to make a cameo in a low budget comedy. Mac’s right, she does have a great figure for her age.

“Lady in blue, comin’ through.” I have to actively remind myself not to say that if I ever get pulled over by a female cop.

Even more drinking and driving… maybe shutting these guys down is actually a good idea. Or did they designate Rabbit as their D.D. before they all got pissed off and shitfaced?

I’m going to say that again: Snozzberries guy is married to Christina Hendricks.

Mother of God.